Busy day, science and history day which means all three of my kids plus three more dear friends, all here for school. Science projects and history discussions, playing outside in the sunshine and spring air. Loud and rowdy and mostly happy.

And then we break for lunch. Burgers, with the cheese buried inside the meat patty, homemade french fries. As usual, a television show for lunchtime entertainment. Today it was Dogs101 from Animal Planet. The kids settled in the living room with their plates and I grab the Zune and slip in my earbuds for a little break of my own.



"Chapter Seven: Seeing Through the Glass....", the soothing voice of Ann Voskamp is welcome. She talks of sunflowers and beauty in that beautiful poetic style that is distinctly hers. And then, in comes "shadow and crossfire" in the form of family members being unkind. I nod sympathetically.

And then she names these moments grace and gift.

Grace and gift?

And I realize that I am "crush(ing) joy with bitterness" even this very week. I am choosing to crush joy with bitterness.

"Contemplative simplicity isn't a matter of circumstances, it's a matter of focus."

I slip off to my room as I feel tears well up. I escape so the children will not see the tears and become alarmed. I keep listening.

"Transfigure the mess into joy with thanksgiving...."

I could do that. I could count the hurt as joy. I could see God in the faces of those who unknowingly  wound me. More than forgiveness, so much more. I could do this.

"To see the Glory, see the Grace..."

See the grace.

And then I rush around, finishing school, cooking supper, gathering supplies for a prayer station. Wednesday night prayer chapel at church. Candles burn, prayer requests scroll across the screen at the front of the church.  The youth open it up each week with song. I listen and the words wash over me ...how many times have I broken Your heart?...... . I am brought low by the thought of this, when I harbor unforgiveness, when I do not see God in the faces of those around me, I break His heart.