Loneliness engulfs me. Friendship has always been so very hard to maintain. As far as my memory stretches back across time I have felt left out. On the outer fringe. Excluded. Elementary school, those taunts, "smelly kelly ate too much jelly and got a fat belly", chanted over and over the entire walk home. We left that state and moved. A fresh start. But not really.  Jr. High, I thought I could be one of the in girls. But my face was too pimply and my hair too oily and my clothes were not quite right. By high school I was not even trying anymore. I became my own worst enemy and looked for as many new ways to self destruct as my mind could imagine. And now adulthood. And really, has it changed? Really? Sometimes it is hidden behind smiles and polite conversation. Sometimes it is shared privately within the group. No chance for self defense. No chance for explanation. No chance to make things right. Sometimes it bubbles up in surprising hostility. Hostility so open and undeniable that it snatches the breath away and makes the eyes sting with tears that must. not. be. allowed. to flow. The message is not hidden at all. We like you when you know your place. Don't make us mad. We are not your friends.

http://www.sxc.hu/

I do have friends. Real friends. And when I am with them my heart is so light that it could float away. And so full that I cannot contain the joy.  But I cannot be with that handful of people who truly love me all the time. Sometimes I have to be other places, with other groups of people.

I never know my place. Should I hang back and give them space and privacy to enjoy the company of each other without my intrusion? Can I listen to their talk of raising kids, balancing the school and the laundry, finding fellowship in their church, loving their husbands? All of these topics are dear to me too. Can I be a part? Can I be your friend? I start to draw closer. We are at the same place at the same time week after week. Surely we could make a little friendship out of this opportunity.  I make hesitant steps towards learning about them. I make hesitant steps towards sharing who I am with them. And then I make a misstep and I am reminded. I am not one of them. I am not their friend.


I blink back hot tears, face red with humiliation once again.